We write the child's "destiny book"

We write the child's "destiny book"
We write the child's "destiny book"
Anonim

The parent-child relationship has effects that are not immediately visible on the seedling. Since mother and father are the first contact in life, their feedback leaves a mark on the child for a long time. This is good news for many, as it also means that if the parents convey such messages to the child (in words and deeds) that he is valuable, strong, lovable, this will be with him even if he is faced with failure or disappointment.

It's not that all bad things come out of such children and they don't feel pain, but even when they are struggling with difficulties, the inner conviction that basically everything is fine with them gives them endurance and security.

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tk3s 13390008

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true: those who have been told that they are worthless, incompetent, clumsy, until they consciously act against it and confront the message, will carry it, even if the feedback from the outside world is more positive. If, in a situation, nine out of ten feedbacks are positive, and one confirms the bad attitude, he will question the nine.

Each school of psychology has developed its own explanation, describing in its own terms how childhood experiences affect later in a situation where, rationally, they should not have any effect on the way we feel and think at a given moment in our adult life.

The approach that we believe everyone carries a so-called destiny book, which, unless you make a serious effort against it, will control your actions and emotions throughout your life. According to this, the book of fate is a life plan that tells us whether we will succeed or fail, be he althy or sick, and even has a scenario for our death.

Proponents of the approach also emphasize that external circumstances can influence this, for example, if someone has an accident, it is obvious that long life is not written in his order book. One could certainly argue about how specific the life plan that is written in childhood is, however, it is certain that it suggests messages to the child, even outside of the parent's intention, that are almost indelibly imprinted on their personality. Most psychologists also agree that the earlier the experience, the stronger the effect. The simple reason for this is that the previous experience affects a less developed, nuanced personality, so it can destroy or even build more.

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tk3s 12140009

It is good for parents to know these connections, because everyone tends to pay attention only to the given moment, to guide the child according to their current desires. Sometimes let's look behind the praise, scolding or comment that can carry a deeper meaning, because this message also gets through, and if it is said many times, it has a long-term effect on your life.

For example, consider a series of seemingly innocent situations when the child wants attention, but the parent says, not now, we're talking to your father. Not now, I have so much to do. Not now, let me rest a bit. The child feels that his existence is basically a burden, even if this is not expressed consciously. One of the not infrequent fate book messages reads: "Don't exist!". If we look at it from here, we might shudder when a mother or father says this to their child, and the many humiliating gestures don't even seem so innocent anymore.

But before we get scared, of course, other types of messages in the fate book can also be written. These liberating messages are called permissions, and they say things like, "You can be yourself!" "You can live your emotions!". As parents, it is worth thinking about what sentences often leave our mouths, and whether we give the child enough permission, in the sense of a book of fate.

Let's think about the common situation when the parent only mentions the problems, because if things are going well, that's natural, there's nothing to talk about. If we don't say it, we find everything valuable in the sapling, that we see that he is on the right path, that he is a lovable personality, how does he get these permissions?

Everyone probably knows an adult who seems to be simply unable to allow himself to be happy, to be satisfied with himself, to feel that his life and his own personality are in order. No matter what happens, you either complain about others and the circumstances, or you blame yourself. Some people even laugh awkwardly, underscoring their old-fashionedness.

The inventor of the book of fate idea, Eric Berne, calls this phenomenon gallows laughter: he talks about how big of a mess he was, how clumsy he was again, and laughs while doing so. If we see this, we can suspect that the person has a deep conviction that he was born a loser - even though he wasn't born that way, he was just made to believe that he was.

Of course, there is no mention of tragedy, even if one suspects that he was not exactly given a liberating destiny. Berne says that we can face our delusions at any time and create a more autonomous life, no longer guided by the book of fate, but by our real possibilities and desires.

Carolina Cziglán, psychologist

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