Parental authority does not come by force

Parental authority does not come by force
Parental authority does not come by force
Anonim

There are parents who openly accept it: they expect them to have authority in front of the child. Other parents refrain from this word because of its sour, Prussian atmosphere, but they also like it if their child looks up to them at least a little, and if not always, but listens to them. Now let's use parental authority in a good sense: when we don't mean instilling fear or provoking military obedience, but that the child sees the parent as a competent, strong person who will protect him if there is a problem, and who - at least most of the time - is worth to listen.

shutterstock 135782261
shutterstock 135782261

It is important to point out that up to a certain age the young child specifically seeks authority, it is not the parent or teacher who creates this need artificially. For him, it provides security, it offers a point of reference, that there is an adult to whom you can connect emotionally on the one hand, and on the other hand get feedback on whether everything is okay, what needs to be done, what will happen next. And as surprising as it is, it is even necessary for the child to know what is allowed and what is not allowed to feel safe.

Of course, it's good if as many things as possible are free, because your baby needs to be able to explore the world, take the initiative, and experiment. With kindergarten and elementary school children, it is still clear that the agreement and praise of the kindergarten teacher and teacher is much more valuable than that of the group mates. In fact, being recognized by someone we look up to is a lifelong treasure, it just becomes a much more complicated question of who can occupy that position.

In order for the parent to be able to fulfill the - we emphasize: in a good sense - role of an authority figure, an important aspect is what kind of relationship he has with authority. If you have had bad experiences in this area, for example, you had cold, overly strict parents, there is a high risk that you will experience ambivalent feelings about having to forbid and have difficulty setting boundaries.

In certain situations, your own painful experiences will relive, for example, being shamed and ridiculed if you dared to want something different from your parents. And because she wants to protect her child from going through similar experiences, she will avoid anything that even slightly reminds her of the painful memories. In this way, he can easily fall over to the other side of the horse, and he no longer dares to be decisive, nor does he like to say no. At the same time, he also realizes that he has to instruct the child somewhat in order to convey the expectations of the situation. In such cases, the unfortunate end result is that the mother or father says what is allowed and what is not, but lacks conviction and decisiveness. The outside observer understands and feels why the child does not listen, as the parent gives the impression that he is asking rather than asserting. Other parents compensate for their uncertainty by raising their voices and becoming irritated, which discredits the message in the eyes of the child in the same way that hesitation does.

shutterstock 130919786
shutterstock 130919786

In order for the parent to have authority in the eyes of the child, it is necessary to assume weakness and vulnerability beyond a certain age. As adolescence approaches, the seedling becomes more and more sensitive to falsehood and inauthenticity. For example, it is disloy alty if the parent shows himself to be strong even when he is weak, tries to create the appearance that all tasks are easy for him and that he never makes mistakes. A small child still tends to look at his mother and father in this way, who already do him good if he accepts his fallibility, thus creating an atmosphere in which making mistakes is not a shame, but an inherent part of development.

Authenticity also includes the fact that we expect what we ourselves are able to provide. For example, if he's not allowed to swear, neither should we, if we expect him to say what he wants calmly, instead of beating himself to the ground screaming, then we shouldn't have a hysterical attack if something doesn't go according to plan.

Unfortunately, many people measure with double standards, and not only in situations where the parent-child role distribution would justify it. It can be justified, for example, that mom and dad can operate the gas stove, but the five-year-old child cannot, because he does not yet have the necessary experience. But there is no good answer as to why the child should not shout if we do too. Let's decide if this is part of our communication and stick to it whether it's the child or the parent.

Finally, the most important and also the most difficult prerequisite for parental authority is consistency. This simply means: the same allowed and forbidden today as yesterday. It is such a big challenge to achieve this because parents also have moods, and it is a human, natural phenomenon that they react more leniently when they are in a good mood than when something unpleasant happens when they are in a tense mood. Perhaps it is not even possible to be perfectly consistent, rather the goal is that if we have committed a great injustice, for example we have reacted angrily to something about which we otherwise have no bad word, we should admit to the child that we made a mistake, not him.

There are certainly many parents who think that instead of self-knowledge, authenticity and consistency, they trust more in the power of a strong hand, even if in a figurative sense. Intimidation and punishment often have a more spectacular effect than the listed slower methods. But countless experiments clearly prove: obedience out of fear only works as long as there is danger. That is, only if the child is afraid of falling will he follow the rules. Although the goal of education is to instill the norms into the personality, a warm and safe relationship with the parent is essential for this.

Carolina Cziglán, psychologist

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