Only loneliness is left after an abusive relationship

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Only loneliness is left after an abusive relationship
Only loneliness is left after an abusive relationship
Anonim

We have already written about domestic and partner violence several times. Previously, we tried to help with how long it is worth enduring such a relationship (until now), or what happens during the breakup period. One of our letter writers has now taken the most difficult step: he put an end to the abuse. But he is still not happy, he suffers from the effects of the traumas he has experienced. How to move on with life after such a relationship? What mental aftereffects do you have to deal with?

I've been abused, now I can't deal with the approach

“I read the article about domestic violence, which was very interesting and educational for me. There I saw that it is possible to write to you on this topic. Unfortunately, I also recently got out of such a sick relationship, where they wanted to raise me as a subordinate… I am 30 years old and I have a 9-year-old son. For more than 3 years, I lived in a relationship where they constantly tried to oppress me, did not allow me to assert myself, and even abused me until the first police report. A multitude of mental punishments, the creation of many compulsive things, typical cases, which the article also talked about. I am writing to you because since then it is difficult for you to form relationships, and if someone approaches me, I push them away, I behave strangely at that time. My friends abandoned me because of this, because I lived in such a relationship and I could not identify with this life. I'm afraid something bigger has happened to me. An expert opinion would be nice!"

Long-term effects of an abusive relationship

This may not help at first, but what you are feeling and experiencing in yourself right now is a completely natural mental reaction after such a trauma. Yes, a lot has happened to you, its effects are still present, but it can all be processed and complete spiritual healing is possible.

As after any event involving physical and psychological injury - and an abusive relationship is just like that - there is a risk of post-traumatic stress syndrome. This can lead to depression and anxiety, while the victim relives what he suffered before in his emotions, thoughts, and dreams. As long as this condition exists, you will involuntarily avoid situations that you feel may involve similar danger. How can this be after an abusive relationship? The approach of another man. Among other possible reasons, this prevents you from starting a new relationship.

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Domestic violence is also very damaging for another reason: you were hurt by the person you trusted, who was supposed to love and support you. This disappointment destroys the ability to build and live trust, but it also destroys self-worth and the belief that you are lovable. With this emotional background, it is impossible to live freely and balanced in a new relationship. Perhaps it won't come as a surprise if I suggest that you find a psychologist who is at home in processing the effects of abusive relationships, and start this work with their help! One thing is for sure: you cannot quickly open a new page or close the past, but emotional traumas can be processed and you can prepare for the next, he althy relationship.

The child is also hurt

Although you don't write about how your child might have been affected by what you went through, it is still important for you to know that he must also be considered a victim. Even if he himself was not the victim of physical or mental abuse, he may have experienced it directly (if he saw and heard it), indirectly (if he learned about it later) or through the effects on you. Unfortunately, it is likely that he, like you, is carrying the burden of what happened. This can occur in many different areas:

  • in self-image and self-esteem: lack of security, self-hatred, self-blame and feelings of shame, loneliness and vulnerability,
  • in his behavior: anxiety, fears and phobias, signs of regression, or even violence,
  • in your social relationships: loneliness, lack of trust and withdrawal, excessive adaptation to the needs and feelings of others.

Without help and processing, these symptoms persist for a long time and permanently slow down and hinder the child's development. Unfortunately, those who have experienced it can also have lifelong effects: children who have experienced violence directly or indirectly are more likely to use drugs and alcohol in their adult lives, and they also suffer from relationship problems more often. As adults, they themselves are more likely to be violent partners or, on the contrary, to become victims. Because of all this, it is important to pay attention to your child. If you experience symptoms similar to the above in your behavior, mood or development, contact a child psychologist and ask for help!

shutterstock 176501732
shutterstock 176501732

Breaking friendships can be started again

Abusive relationships are often accompanied by the loss of friendships and family relationships. This can happen due to the following:

  • Shame: things happen in the victim's life and in the relationship that can be really hard to accept. Sometimes it seems easier to hide and prefer to stay away.
  • The incomprehension and incomprehensibility: to an outsider, it can quickly be obvious what is happening, even if the victim wants to keep it a secret. The first one or two monoclites can still be removed with clever make-up, but this solution will not last forever. Stupid household accidents can happen to everyone, sometimes we really hit the corner of the closet, but not every week. In such cases, relatives and witnesses try to help. They advise, encourage, support, but it's not necessarily good… They don't understand the cavalcade of duty, regret, and fear that swirls in the victim, which is caused by "Why do you stay if it's bad for you?" you can only increase it with a question. Helpers eventually fail and slowly disappear.
  • The abuser himself does a lot for this. He forbids and punishes contact and acts violently against family members and friends. If you succeed in isolating the victim from the outside world, you have achieved your goal: you have reinforced the feeling of "no one to help, no hope".

Fortunately, you were able to end the abusive relationship. In such cases, there is always hope for the reconstruction of broken friendships. If you feel that you are strong enough and if you can accept what happened, share it with the most important people! If they understand what happened to you and why, they can also understand why you had to disappear in the last few years, or they can get closer to the reason for their own possible failure.

shutterstock 194816279
shutterstock 194816279

When you left this relationship, you took the most important and most difficult step you could do for yourself, your future, and your child. It was a very important step, but it is the first in a long line. You still have work to do, which sometimes won't be painless, but it's worth it: after a trauma, there is always the possibility of coming out of it he althy and even stronger than our previous selves.

Write to us

Do you need help or advice? Please write to us at [email protected], and we will answer here, in the Ego blog life coach series, of course preserving the anonymity of our readers!

For example, Kristóf Steiner is happy to answer the questions and requests of readers who are starting a new life abroad, seeking spiritual paths, struggling with eating disorders, or readers excluded because of their sexual orientation or origin.

Gábor Kuna, psychologist, family and couple therapy consultant, professional leader of the SELF-HELP Personality Development Workshop is happy to answer questions about the workplace, workplace conflicts and failures, adult career choices and life situation decisions, as well as family crises too. Révész Renáta Liliána is a family therapist and bereavement counsellor, whom you can safely contact with family, marriage, education problems, difficulties caused by grief, divorce, trauma, stress, career choice and workplace issues. The life coach team is also psychologist Diana Sákovics, who is happy to help with relationship and sexual problems, loneliness, addiction, and lifestyle crises. Write to us with confidence, we will try to help!

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