I'm Sandra, single, that's how I had a child

I'm Sandra, single, that's how I had a child
I'm Sandra, single, that's how I had a child
Anonim

What options does a single woman have for having children? At the age of forty, Szandra decided to go it alone. Unsuccessful inseminations and vials followed, and then her daughter arrived through adoption. Flirting with a sperm donor, a fabulous reunion with two-year-old Fanni, and then the family being torn apart because of the child's Roma origin. I was talking to Sandra.

How long have you wanted a child?

I've always wanted a child, but I never got around to trying with anyone, and I didn't get pregnant by accident. I decided on my fortieth birthday that I had had enough of waiting, I wanted a child. I immediately applied to the Kaáli Institute, completed two inseminations and then three flask programs.

There are such paradigms that if a woman wants a child, she should go to a disco and pick someone up…

In retrospect, I know that if the fertilized egg is placed inside you and it doesn't stick, the chances of you picking up someone within 12 hours of ovulation and conceiving are quite small. Only those who don't want it succeed.

Our picture is an illustration
Our picture is an illustration

Did you receive me smoothly at the infertility institute?

Yes. I bought sperm cells from the Krio Institute, one dose was fifty thousand forints.

Was there still enough donor sperm in the system then?

When I bought it for the third time, they were only Danish, at least with the parameters I specified. I wasn't a maximalist, I only gave the height and that he should have a degree, but at that time the Hungarian selection was so bad that they couldn't find a suitable one. I also had to do a bunch of tests before that.

Was there a problem?

One fallopian tube was blocked, but everything else was working. In theory. Then the first two inseminations failed.

Did they say odds, what is the probability of pregnancy over 40?

Five percent was said for the success of the flask. tb pays for five attempts.

For single people too?

Yes, there is no discrimination, but it only happens to everyone every six months, because the institute has an annual quota of how many funded procedures it can accommodate. After that I had three failed flasks.

Who were you able to discuss this with?

With my friends. Five of my friends knew about it, but my parents didn't. After the second bottle, I told my parents, I was just overwhelmed by the failure, when they called me, then they also supported me.

How do they look at a single woman drinking water bottles?

My friends cheered me on and told me how brave I am, but they also look up to me and think I'm brave about adoption.

How did you deal with failures during the flask?

I didn't go there like most people, that they have already tried, gone through a lot and know that there is a problem. I went there knowing that there was nothing wrong with me, except that I was forty years old. It's true, looking back, I never got pregnant, even though I protected myself many times with an interruption method, obviously that also means something.

And since then, I have been telling everyone who is a woman over 35 and has not yet had children that the value of AMH (Anti-Müllerian hormone) indicates the exhaustion of the ovaries, it can be tested with blood, get it done as soon as possible so that they are aware of their options. By that time, this had already decreased a lot for me, it was around 0.3 around the third bottle, so I had almost no chance of getting pregnant. Of course, it may have decreased further by then due to the many hormone treatments.

And the first two flasks were made without even looking at this hormone?

No, it is in their interest that the flasks go. So it wasn't good, but I didn't collapse and applied for adoption after the second failure.

Didn't you even have a relationship in the meantime?

No. But I had already decided on adoption, that if it doesn't work out, I'll take this path.

Did you have a problem applying for adoption because you are single?

Not at all. I can only speak positively about the whole procedure.

What kind of child did you ask for?

Until the age of four, I did not indicate any gender, correctable he alth conditions, no conditions regarding origin, which is why I took my turn after a year and a half.

In the Hungarian system, a single person only has a chance to have a child of Gypsy origin…

Yes, this is confirmed by my friends. This was not a question for me, it was also written on the dating site that racism is a disqualifying factor. My parents supported the adoption, but the origin of the child was not discussed. They say afterwards that I should have initiated the conversation with them about the fact that the child will most likely be a gypsy, they didn't ask about it.

However, the majority of adoptable children are of Gypsy origin. I'm surprised that they didn't ask about it, because we had arguments about it in the past, and they knew that I don't like it when people talk about Gypsies in a prejudiced way. My parents faced this when I met Fannika for the first time.

Was he the first child offered?

I had two referrals before her, one of them was struggling with nervous problems, and the other girl was born with clubfoot.

You didn't even watch them?

No. They weren't sympathetic, I didn't feel anything based on the picture. Fannika was the third one who was offered, she was already likeable based on her picture. However, her story is also difficult, her parents were young, in state care, but she is completely he althy and developing well, and based on the picture, she looked like a little girl from Thailand. Fanni was then two and a quarter years old, living with foster parents in a small village.

Before that, they introduced him to another couple, who said no because they saw that he was too attached to the foster parents, he kept going up to them to give kisses, and they were afraid that they wouldn't be able to break it up. When I went, I immediately sat down on the floor to play with him, and after an hour I took him to the bus stop on my lap.

Did getting to know each other go smoothly later on?

We had a dreamy friendship. A week later, on the weekend, when I went to make friends, I already slept with him, bathed him, fed him, diapered him, dressed him, and he accepted me right away. I felt, I feel, that we were made for each other. Compared to other people's stories, I have never heard of such a smooth reunion.

A five-year-old girl lived with the foster parents, who had been waiting for adopters for two years, she also clung to me, crying about when she would have a mother. This could have helped the process, Fannika was still too small to understand what was happening, but she heard that Katika was waiting for her mother, and she understood that she was lucky, her mother came to her. Fortunately, Katika has also had a family since then. I spent four weekends there, then Easter came, I brought her home for those three days, then I brought her back, and when I finally brought her, only the foster mother cried. He was also very supportive of the adoption, talking about me to Fannika as if I were his mother. By the time I brought him home, after a month and a half, he was already calling me Mommy.

But does he know that you are his adoptive mother?

That's it. Since it was so easy, he didn't ask anything in one voice, I went into silence, I thought, let's get stronger together, and we'll talk about the adoption later. Then we stayed like that for a while, it wasn't a topic. When he got a little bigger, he started to say that he was in my belly, I let him, because you have to prepare for such a conversation, you can't just throw half-information at him.

And finally, when and how did you bring up the topic?

Last year, he was four and a half years old when I first talked to him about this. I talked about the foster parents, I introduced them by looking at the pictures taken of them during the friendship. I thought maybe they would remember. But he didn't recognize them, he said he didn't know who they were.

What did you say?

That before I found you, you lived with mom and dad. That's when the word adoption was mentioned, that's when he learned what adoption is. Little by little, we expanded the knowledge material: that he was not born from my belly, but from my heart. He really enjoyed this. Later it was mentioned that another aunt gave birth to her.

I read him adoption stories, in the Fairy Garden tale there is a young girl who puts the baby on the doorstep of the fairy couple's house because she cannot raise it. We talk about this many times, he knows that the certain aunt from whose womb he was born was very young, almost a child.

That's why I started going to Romadopt (a club for adopting Gypsy children) and Örökbe.hu meetings, to meet adoptive parents, to know how they deal with this issue, and to be in such company. He also took this obstacle well. Last year we also visited the foster parents. He didn't recognize anything there, but it's true that he immediately asked to go to his foster mother from my lap when we got out of the car, so he subconsciously remembered something.

He went upstairs to play with the boys (grandson and foster son, and son-in-law) for half an hour, he wasn't worried for a moment that I would leave him again. He felt good, he was not shaken by the meeting.

Wasn't it discussed why he doesn't have a father?

Of course! I said there isn't because I don't have a partner. You know we're looking for it, we also joke about it, that it's not like going into a store and asking for a 1.8m daddy.

Looking for a partner?

Of course. I could easily find a father at any time who would be a good father to the child, but that's not enough, I also want a partner for myself. The ones I've met so far, it wasn't because they didn't want to, it was because I didn't want to. It's a bit difficult for me to fall in love with someone without them being married or having other obstacles. And it won't work without it.

When do you tell me that you have a child when you meet?

Right away. It's also on my registration form, and I'll also tell them that I adopted him, so they'll still meet me.

That's good, isn't it? Because there is no other dad in the picture.

Yes, most men have a problem if the child's heart is somewhere else and he says you are not my daddy. He, on the other hand, approaches it with an open heart.

And what do men say about the child being a gypsy?

As I said, this hasn't been a problem for anyone so far, but I wouldn't care either, because if it's an obstacle, then I don't need that man anyway. I've had dates where I've taken him too, and I can say that they reacted more positively to him than negatively.

Do you also talk to your little girl about being a gypsy?

He also knows about his gypsy, he knows that he is much browner, we listen to gypsy music, we go to gypsy dance halls. When we once went to kindergarten, he said: "My skin is brown because I'm a gypsy." We then discussed this. He is very smart and very aware of social expectations, which we do not tell anyone that it is not appropriate to stare at someone or ask why the uncle has no legs.

You know that there are people who talk badly about Gypsies, but only about those who don't behave nicely, don't dress nicely, but if that's all right, then there's no problem. I want his identity to be okay, so we talk about it, but I don't overdo it. I want him to have a double identity, Hungarian, since I am raising him, but also Gypsy, because of his roots. I definitely want to avoid him becoming an adult without an identity.

You don't look alike, you're blonde, blue-eyed, he's black-haired, Creole-skinned. What are people saying?

I immediately get the question from everyone whether I am Indian or Turkish. Even if I say that he was adopted, they still ask: was he born in Hungary? I don't think it's denial, as many adoptive parents think, they just don't think they're gypsies. The kindergarten teachers say that some parents have also asked them if their father is a foreigner. I handle this openly, I always say that I am adopted. It doesn't bother me and I don't want it to bother her either. Before he knew it, I said over his head that he was adopted, now he can hear it too.

What do people say about this?

They are used to saying that hats off, brave, noble act, I am a good person, they look up to me. In connection with the adoption, I did not receive any negativity, in fact, the world opened up, I have many more friends since then. My colleagues are also good at it. Some people said that the environment reacts so well as long as the child is small and cute, but it's been five years and it's still not a problem.

Did you also tell the kindergarten that you were adopted?

Of course, but there was no problem, they adore him. But in the group there is a Vietnamese boy and another girl with an exotic look and name, and a blonde girl who is Roma. You can't see it on him, but you can see it on his family and his clothes. It is much more important who takes the child to kindergarten and how she is dressed, the parents can clearly see from the other little girl that she is Roma. I hear a lot of negative things from other adopters, but I think a lot depends on what the child is like, how he behaves, and who takes him.

What is it like to raise a child alone? How do you solve it?

I don't have a problem with this, because my workplace is very good, they are very understanding, I take them dancing, swimming, we go to a lot of cultural programs, everything fits in, because I work until 4, luckily everything is close, we walk to kindergarten.

What's more difficult is that I sometimes go abroad on official trips, just for 2-3 days. Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents is not as good as it could be, and my younger brother's children are the priority, so at times like these, someone else takes care of Fannika every day, Fanni's godmother, my godmother, or possibly other friends. I always manage to solve it, and luckily Fanni is also happy to be with the people she loves.

My brother and I haven't had a good relationship for some time before, but when he found out that I was dating Fanni, he wrote to me in an e-mail that we won't see each other again.

Did your younger brother know you wanted a child?

Yes, I just think he didn't expect the child to be a gypsy. When I saw Fanni for the first time, that evening I went straight to my parents. I told them right away that I wanted to start making friends with him, my younger brother found out from them. By that time, we were no longer in such a real brotherly relationship.

Did you show a photo of the child to your parents?

Yes, and unfortunately, as naive as I am, I told him his family background, even though I could have lied or said I didn't know more. My brother broke up with me then, even though I had just started making friends.

What was wrong with your little brother?

He said - although I only know this from my parents, indirectly - that he has no problem with the gypsies, he is only afraid of his own two children. On the one hand, because of the discrimination, that if they play together with my daughter on the playground, they could get involved in a possible incident, and on the other hand, that the biological parent will want to find out where the child is, find out who we are, and they will even reach my younger brother, and they will blackmail us, including him.

Pretty professional paranoia.

Yes. Even though I said that I asked about it at the guardianship office, and there has never been a case where the biological parents found out about the child's whereabouts after the adoption, they usually don't even care. After that, my parents were so rude that they asked me not to drive my car into the village to the foster parents, lest someone see the license plate number and find out who I am based on that. I followed that.

What did your parents say?

When my parents found out, they took it even harder at first, but then they completely turned against me as a result of my younger brother's brainwashing. They yelled at me, and then twenty-year-old grievances surfaced. My father also used to say that fifty percent is the effect of genetics, and that at the age of fourteen, the child wants to get married, have children, and when he grows up, Romani boys will definitely be attracted to him. They also regurgitated that I wasn't interested in their opinion, I didn't sit down to talk with them about it.

As if I cared, I was completely overwhelmed for weeks when I should have been happy about the child. But even if we had talked about this before, I would have spit in my face if I said that I don't need a Roma child because of his origin. I didn't make friends like others, with family support, but against the odds.

The war of nerves went on until I brought Fanni home, then they reconciled, but until then they were hoping to see if the tough resistance could sway her. I inquired about the family's attitude and acceptance from other parents who adopted Gypsy children, and I haven't heard a similar story from anyone.

Our picture is an illustration!
Our picture is an illustration!

Since then, your little brother hasn't spoken to you?

Not since then. But it should be added that I don't want it either. At this level of disillusionment, it is difficult to imagine a solution.

Not at family events?

Oh no! In that particular dismissive message, he categorically stated that we would not meet at any family event. That's why we didn't even celebrate my father's 70th birthday, because my younger brother doesn't talk to me, so there was no celebration of any kind. Many people said that my younger brother was sick. But my parents think it's normal and it's my fault.

Can Fannika meet her cousins?

No. Her sons don't even know that Fanni exists. In other words, this is not true. We have a very good relationship with my godson from my younger brother's first marriage, who is almost 16 years old, we go on vacations and trips together, and see each other often. However, because of this, his father no longer keeps in touch with him (of course, it is also true here that their relationship was not good before). We don't live up to his expectations, we don't dance the way he whistles, so he simply cut us out of his life. I know it sounds terrible, and it is.

Did your parents accept your daughter?

They love Fanni very much, they take good care of her, they are real super grandparents. If it wasn't for my little brother, I think everything would be fine. But this way we will always be second-rate family members, they consider that the family broke up because of Fanni, which is not true, because the relationship was bad before, but not as bad. By the way, Fanni doesn't even know that I have a brother. I'll tell him later, but I think it's worth it if he understands better.

Do you think this feud will be resolved?

I don't see a chance for that. Not with my younger brother, but with my parents, we play for survival, because they love me and I love them too. I am very sorry that they have been put in such a situation, but I do not think that I have a greater role in causing it. They wouldn't have dared to do this to me if there was a man by my side.

So even though I'm 45 years old, they think I should have asked for their consent, my younger brother also thinks I should ask him for advice because I'm alone. If I could find a man who would stand by me, that might make things better.

You can read more stories about adoption at

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