It's not because he's a jerk that he interrupts me. That's how your brain is wired

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It's not because he's a jerk that he interrupts me. That's how your brain is wired
It's not because he's a jerk that he interrupts me. That's how your brain is wired
Anonim

Someone recently asked me if I don't think that since my husband was diagnosed with ADHD, not only has this condition become much more tangible to him, but he also uses it well to have something to hide behind at any time; to defend himself with excuses and plausible explanations when he fails or is criticized for his dissipation; or whether he sometimes even plays on the symptoms. I admit, at the beginning of our relationship, these questions crossed my mind several times, but then I knew much less about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, so I was less understanding towards my partner.

People find it strange that as a married couple we sometimes live in a long-distance relationship, sometimes in the same household for months, even though for us this is already natural and one more possibility to prevent boredom - in addition to ADHD. Despite the frequent moves and the periods spent apart, in the last four years I managed to move from the doubtful and attacking outsider to the impatient, instructive parent role and find my place in the role of an understanding partner. I had time to get to know attention deficit hyperactivity disorder from several perspectives, and since I see much more clearly today, I can say without bias that people with ADHD, thank you very much, feel good in their own skin without playing games, acting, constant excuses and self-pity - provided that their environment allows them to do so.

photo Bödő Photo Studio
photo Bödő Photo Studio

Many people just wave that we're all like that

When I first told my friends more about him and what it is that he struggles with every day, they immediately said But because all men are unreliable/lazy/a big kid/forgetting why they went out to the kitchen! I may not have given the best examples at the time, but perhaps they are right in trying to lump ADHD symptoms with normal human behaviors or traits such as procrastination, lack of concentration, or forgetfulness. The difference, simply put, is that similar cases do not only happen to people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder every now and then, but constantly and to an order of magnitude more serious, but only those who live with them can really see this. There are for example

those crappy, empty days with nothing to do

Increasingly rare, but it happens that he wakes up in the morning completely confused and he himself cannot articulate what is going on in his head, but it is not simply that he got up with his left foot. Maybe I can empathize to some extent, because I used to have days when I felt empty and not enough to even exist. I thought I had nothing to earn among those who go to work in the morning, pay their bills, plan their future, come home in the evening and it goes like this every day.

I felt that I was worthless, because this kind of regularity and stability does not give me pleasure and because I would not be able to do it like normal people. Even though I had a job that I loved and I was always working on something, sometimes I felt an unusual feeling of emptiness, when I found everything hopeless and thought that I was little compared to others. This is how I imagine my partner's "crazy days" (we had to give him a name to be able to talk about it) based on what I see and how he describes it. You have to accept that he doesn't feel like doing anything at this time and it's very difficult to cheer him up.

However, it helps a lot if we focus our attention on positive circumstances and their abilities, if we go to nature to surround ourselves with the small and big miracles of life, but also if we just let it go through, because this is the resigned fortunately, this condition does not usually last more than a day. Sanszos doesn't have a trace of him the next day, in fact, he starts his day full of desire and joie de vivre. Over time, I realized that these situations can be prevented, or at least alleviated, if I wish him a good morning with a confidence-tuning text (Imagine, yesterday I met my former piano teacher, he also praised the song you wrote most recently.), with which I can immediately direct his attention to something positive and inspiring, or in addition to the daily to-do list, I leave him a nice message so that he doesn't forget how valuable and important a person he is.

ADHD - attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a congenital or developmental disorder of a neurological nature. Children suffering from this have problems maintaining self-discipline and concentration. They are scattered, so although their intelligence is no different from other children, they have learning difficulties. The disease is chronic, and in 60 percent of cases, the intensity of the symptoms does not decrease even in adulthood (with the exception of hyperactivity, which is why we call it ADD in their case), which can significantly affect the lives and relationships of those affected. "Attention-deficit hyperactive children are prevented by their impulsivity and attention deficit from choosing a solution that conforms to social conventions. Due to their series of failures, their self-confidence quickly disappears, the image they have of themselves becomes increasingly negative, which is a good breeding ground for the development of childhood depression and turning to drugs," warns Dr. Gyula Sófi, forensic medicine expert and child psychiatrist.

Drugs don't play with us

Then you will live on drugs for the rest of your life? they used to ask. No, it doesn't take anything. He started therapy ten years ago, but it didn't work for him. The Methylphenidate-based Concerta and Ritalin always got him pumped up and he was able to pay attention at first, but then came the terrible side effects: he felt empty, like a zombie and wasn't as creative as he was clean, so he gave up on the whole thing. Ever since then, he has hated the idea that he would have to live on addictive drugs that would make him unable to be himself for the rest of his life. If I were him, I might have tried other drugs and doses, because there might be something that would really work, but he doesn't ask for medication as a matter of principle. I accepted this too and I don't scold him for it, since it's his decision, but in return I asked him to start doing tai chi again or try other eastern martial arts, since according to experience, the various exercises really help to calm down his constantly monitoring mind and improve his ability to concentrate. Not to mention that he was able to get up at the crack of dawn every day to go to the park to practice, so at least he had some kind of system in his life.

By the way, I don't like the irresponsible attitude on the part of the doctors: Here's some Adderall, and next month they'll ask how the patient is feeling. Closer cooperation than this would be necessary for the treatment to be really effective. In addition, there are specialists who start the therapy with very high doses, so it is not surprising if the patient's reaction is that the side effects are much worse than my condition! Thanks, that was enough for me. At first, those stimulant drugs should perhaps be prescribed in smaller doses, and then the changes should be monitored, and if an ADHD patient already has difficulties in self-organization and adaptation, the doctors should also be much more cooperative.

Of course, if my husband lived on medication, nothing would be solved. Whether someone does the therapy or not, you have to deal with it at home as well.

photo by Andrew Williams
photo by Andrew Williams

That's why communication is the key

Gina Pera, Is It You, Me, or Adult A. D. D.? According to the author of the book Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder, if the basic problem, i.e. ADHD, is not treated, a classic couples therapy can only be a temporary solution, but it can even make the situation worse. “I wasn't talking to a woman whose marriage counselor suggested that she let her husband be the man in the family and handle the finances; give him back the power; or to accept the creative nature of your partner and everything will be solved, writes Pera in his book. However, if the parties do not deal with the specific disturbing factor, they can easily become isolated from each other and eventually lose faith in the marriage. In addition, there is a high chance that the offspring will have similar symptoms, so it doesn't hurt to not only accept and deal with the situation passively, but to develop a well-functioning communication strategy.

It can be really annoying when someone keeps interrupting us, but you should know that people with ADHD don't do this because they are jerks and because they deliberately ignore what we have to say. They simply have to say what's on their mind right then and there (because their brains are constantly spinning), otherwise they lose the thought later. We've played this back and forth many times - because I'm not innocent either, I might have learned from it. This is the reason for sudden topic changes and rambling conversations, but it is usually possible to resolve the tension arising from senseless discourse with humor.

In an acute situation, however, it is no longer so funny when they throw everything at us and usually immediately defend themselves against real or imagined criticism - instead of reacting to the specific complaint. They are so busy protecting themselves that they don't even hear what the other person is saying. In order to avoid rude arguments and for everyone to be able to pay attention to the other, we learned to communicate our thoughts and feelings in writing. At first it seemed very awkward, but this was necessary because during the debates it would be impossible for one or the other side to be able to open up or to argue and explain one thought at a time without interruption. It is often much more effective to write a letter or e-mail to the partner, which he reads, processes and has plenty of time to calmly formulate the answer. Of course, this should only be done in certain circumstances, when it is not a complicated or ambiguous topic, but something that can be discussed directly and simply.

Another good tactic is to let your partner know in advance when you have something important to say and take time for both of you to fully focus on the conversation. Don't time it when the other person is immersed in an activity or preparing to go somewhere. It is an interesting fact that when the partner says "We need to talk", 89 percent of men think that something is wrong - compared to 61 percent of women. So we have to make sure that we communicate our intentions in the right tone, otherwise we will only cause anxiety or immediate defensiveness before we start what we have to say. Let's kindly let him know that when he has a few minutes, let him know, and let's add so that he doesn't get scared, he didn't add bad wood to the fire - of course, if that's really the case.

Once, when I asked my husband to help me unpack, he pressed the clothes, almost crumpled, and put them on the dryer. I told him that this would only make my job more difficult because, on the one hand, they would never dry, and on the other hand, I would be able to spend more time ironing. Putting up with this, he stated that you see, I am not even capable of this. Anyway, don't bother ironing, I know you hate doing it.(Well, those frumpy clothes won't go away on their own.) These are trivial - unimportant - things for him, in which if you manage to find a common denominator at the beginning, then disagreements cannot arise from them later. The point is to explain to him how the given task should be done correctly, without criticizing, educating or mothering. He's not stupid to not understand why our method is better, but since his priorities are different and he probably doesn't have sorting out the clothes to be hung and similar boring tasks on his mind - but everything else that ours doesn't - he doesn't understand, why is this so important to us, until we communicate this to him kindly and patiently.

And of course the passions

For him, his work - and his passion -, in addition to music and guitar lessons, nature walks and internal martial arts (Taijiquan, Xing Yi Quan and Baguazhang) are the medicine he clings to and we are lucky that I can easily identify with all three. When I didn't know him and he was touring the UK with a successful band, his ex-girlfriend looked up to him and treated him like a real rock star. But as soon as a tour ended and he spent a month or two at home, he already received the useless, lazy, day-stealing and other negative adjectives. However, the composition didn't stop even then.

Due to his environment and expectations, he previously tried to establish himself in different workplaces, but I know that he would not be able to go to work in an office again, as he would constantly think that he is not doing it well and that is why he would hate the his work. We should support the ADHD partner in what he is good at and what he enjoys doing, otherwise we will only reinforce the social pressure that makes him feel like he is the black sheep. By the way, it is not a problem at all if someone is out of line, in fact: Albert Einstein, W alt Disney, John F. Kennedy, Hemingway, Picasso, Thomas Edison or John Lennon are just some of the great names who lived with the symptoms of ADHD and we cannot say that nothing was put on the table…

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